Reflections on the year so far...

This year has proved to be more then a good year, it is a year of change, of new beginnings and an end to all the pain I’ve pondered on over the past 3 years…

It is time to set aside all that was lost and look toward all that can be. I know that the world is going through a huge crisis with its economy, but this is temporary, I can feel it deep within, I am sure.

I woke up today, feeling that something was coming, something new and exiting. I am here finally, in a place I can finally call home, without judgment from others, without being reprimanded for all my outspoken words.

I received my work permit last week, and even though I have been waiting anxiously for it, I was fearful of what I have to do next… work like everyone else. Its not that I don’t like working, its that I have not had a day job in more then 8 years (due to not being a permanent resident in Malaysia), and as much as it exited me to know I am one step closer to making ALL my dreams come true, I am truly fearful of not doing the best I can with a normal job, as I will have to relearn everything.

I'm sure everyone feels the same on their first day of work and so I must be strong, I will not let this take over me, I will not allow this fear to get the best of me.

I find it so unusual that I’m never nervous or fearful with my modeling work, never have been. Even dancing in front of thousands of people and every other freelance job has never been a worry for me, but the second I find out I have to work a permanent job I freak out!!!!

I’m such a weird thing, and yet I’m always facing my fears, telling myself that the moment I do it, the fear will disappear and I will laugh at myself wondering why I was worried in the first place…

Mum called me yesterday, god I miss her so, she did a tarot reading for me and confirmed that my panic attacks are due to my subconscious mind feeding my nerves; it explains why I have been so jittery these past few days. Mum is always right, I know that moving to California and doing things I only dreamt of in only 4 months has been a big shock to me… I never thought Id get to where I am this fast…

Everything is happening soooo fast, I cant keep up with myself... lol… but its what I have always wanted!

I’m blessed, I can only be thankful for everything life has given me, for how far I have come considering I have had no stepping stones apart from MM and came from a poor & broken down past barely surviving in a heartless country that never gave me a citizenship, poor mum, a single mother trying so hard to keep a roof over our head, I'm so glad I dropped out of school to help her... I so cant wait to get my family here so they may have a good future and be as happy as I am… they deserve it more then anything…

I just want to make the best of this beautiful opportunity that has been given to me, and no matter how fearful the unknown may be, I will pull through and make my family proud… Mum will one day have her own cottage home she has always wanted, I will work myself to the bone to get my siblings through collage and I will buy my own house in a few years, maybe less. I will make my husband the happiest man alive, I will go back to school, get my GED's and go to collage for Interior design and chiffon acrobats...

Nothing can stop me…

Dream big, aim high, be thankful and all will come to be…

Tarachin © 2009